Post by lachta on May 10, 2013 11:16:25 GMT -5
I live in London, England. I am 72 years old. I started restrictive dieting when I was 21 years old. By the end of the 1960s I was in the grip of binge eating and purging. But my life appeared normal on the outside. I remember on one occasion being in New York with some friends. I was binge eating and purging. It was the summer of 1969 (the year someone went to the moon!) I remember binge eating in my hotel bedroom when my friends had gone to bed. I can still feel the shame and the pain of the inevitable purging.
Fast forward to March 2013. It is the early hours of Thursday 28 March 2013. It is 3am and I am kneeling on the floor in my bathroom with my head over the toilet pan, trying to make myself vomit. I am in agony. I have been binge eating for most of the previous day. Every organ and every bone in my body aches. I cannot move. I feel as if I will die. It is a familiar scene. I know the pattern so well now. I will have to spend the next day in bed, almost comatosed. The following day I will 'surface' and tell myself 'never again'. But after a few days the cycle will start all over again. Why? Because I cannot stop. Because I'm over weight and I desperately want to be 'thin'. And when I'm 'thin' I can then live happily ever after. And so it goes on, month after month, year after year. I know no other existence.
What happened between 1960 and 2013. Well, I lived what seemed to others, a fairly normal life. I had a successful career; a wonderful happy marriage that lasted 30 years; two wonderful step daughters; plenty of friends and interests. But I also had my 'secret' - a secret with all its shame, pain, and torment. Friends and family knew that I had ongoing issues around food, but nobody knew what was really happening behind closed doors.
I have spent 50 years looking for a 'cure'. I have been in and out of therapy. I have been 'treated' at addiction clinics on five different occasions. I have bought every diet book and every self-help book that was ever published. I have been to OA and to AA. I do think that 12-step programmes are the answer for some people, but not for me. I remember attending a World AA Convention in New Orleans in the early 1980s. At that time AA wasn't so established over her, so my AA sponsor thought it would be a good idea if I went over to America and mixed with some 'winners'. I believed her. She meant well. But as I sat listening to 'recovery' stories in a huge auditorium in New Orleans I knew that this wasn't the answer to my bulimia. Ten years later, around 1993, I was frequenting OA meetings. I used to sit in OA rooms, listening to people who tried to convince me that my bulimia was 'just a symptom' of a deeper disease. I was told that it was a 'relapsing' illness and that I wouldn't get better until I had dealt with family issues. I remember writing a food diary every day and submitting it to an OA sponsor at the end of each week. I have also been in and out of Weight Watchers and other slimming clubs over the years. I've spent a fortune - I'm sure I could buy Weight Watchers if I had all that money back. As recently as last year, I discovered Dr Fuhrman's website. I subscribed to its membership and bought all the books he had written. Good books, but not for this bulimic! More money spent! Why? Because I wanted to 'recover.
It is the morning of Friday 29 March 2013. I am feeling a little better since my last binge and purge. I go into my study and open up my computer. I log on to Slim and Save website. It is a company that sells VLCD meal replacement packages. I am about to start another restrictive. I've done this so many times over the years. Why? Because I want to be 'thin'. I order a months supply - four pkts per day. I click to confirm my order and bang goes another £145. It will arrive within 48 hours. I know the procedure so well. But this time I will stick to it. This time it will be different. Before I leave my desk i vaguely browse through some slimming forums on the computer. Something catches my eye about a book called Brain over Binge.
One hour later, I'm sitting in my living room drinking a cup of coffee. I reach for my smart phone and go to the Amazon website. The book in question has excellent reviews. I'm pleased it's on Kindle. I download the book and start reading. I cannot put it down. I'm reading about myself. I finish the book. It's all over. I'm finally free. Everything makes sense. After 50 years of bulimia, it's finally over. I would never purge again. Why? Because I would never binge eat again. I finally understood the cycle of torment. I'm 72 years old and I'm free! It was as simple and as miraculous as that.
I go into the bathroom and open the cabinets. I remove my huge assortment of diuretics and laxatives. I will never need them again. It's all over - after 50 years it's finally over. I go into the kitchen and unlock my food cupboards. Yes, it had reached a point where I locked the food cupboards and put the key in an inaccessible place, just in case I was 'tempted' while I was on my meal replacement diet. I go back to the Slim and Save website to cancel my order. I contact Weight Watchers and all the other numerous clubs and I ask for my name to be removed from all their databases. I email my therapist to cancel my next appointment. I will call her after the weekend to tell her that I won't be continuing the therapy sessions. I feel an inner peace. I see my life for what it is - life problems, family issues, health issues, and financial issues. But, guess what - the world is full of people with different problems and issues. Here I am, 72 years old, free at last. This is some miracle. I feel blessed.
And now today. It's Friday 10 May 2013. What's happened since my last purge on Thursday 28 March 2013? Well, I have since discovered that the Thursday in question was in fact Maundy Thursday. I looked up the meaning of Maundy Thursday - it is a commemoration of Christ's Last Supper. Is there some significance? I'll say no more! I felt very tired the first few days after reading Kathryn's book - a physical and mental tiredness, but not unpleasant. It was as if I had been walking for years, not knowing a destination and now I was finally able to rest. I now enjoy my food. It no longer terrifies me. I eat a nutritious diet because I don't want to pour processed food with all its chemicals into my body. I don't need a meal planner or some well-meaning dietician to teach me what to eat. I know what I want to eat. I could write a book about the calorific values and nutritional values of all the foods I'll ever need. Nowadays, I'm not afraid of social occasions because I will never purge or binge eat again. I can eat a slice of birthday cake without fear or panic. Do I get urges to binge eat? Yes, I do - sometimes several times in the course of a day. I never try to confront or fight the urges. I just acknowledge that it's there - it's my lower brain, trying to persuade me that I'm cured and that I could now control a binge. After this acknowledgement I feel a rush of excitement, knowing it's not me - I can disunite and detach. It's a miracle. It's truly awesome.
I have no regrets about the past, the 'wasted' years. Over 50 years I met a lot of good people who tried to help me because they cared about me. They wanted me to get well and I wanted to get well - I just couldn't stop the cycle. But that's all over now and I have a life to live. I have a good life with caring friend and family. I have a life full of various interest - a life worth living. I think it was Albert Camus that wrote: In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.
I carry my smartphone with me all the time. I look at the colourful apps and my eye catches the Kindle app. I feel a kind of bond with it, as if it was my stepping stone to freedom. I refer to Kathryn's book most days. I often think, in a bemused way, about all the money I spent over 50 years - thousands of £pounds looking for the answer. And in the end it was all so simple - all it took was a click of a button to buy a book that cost me less than £6 - a book that was written by a young woman who wasn't even born when I first started my binge eating and purging. I am profoundly grateful to Kathryn.
Fast forward to March 2013. It is the early hours of Thursday 28 March 2013. It is 3am and I am kneeling on the floor in my bathroom with my head over the toilet pan, trying to make myself vomit. I am in agony. I have been binge eating for most of the previous day. Every organ and every bone in my body aches. I cannot move. I feel as if I will die. It is a familiar scene. I know the pattern so well now. I will have to spend the next day in bed, almost comatosed. The following day I will 'surface' and tell myself 'never again'. But after a few days the cycle will start all over again. Why? Because I cannot stop. Because I'm over weight and I desperately want to be 'thin'. And when I'm 'thin' I can then live happily ever after. And so it goes on, month after month, year after year. I know no other existence.
What happened between 1960 and 2013. Well, I lived what seemed to others, a fairly normal life. I had a successful career; a wonderful happy marriage that lasted 30 years; two wonderful step daughters; plenty of friends and interests. But I also had my 'secret' - a secret with all its shame, pain, and torment. Friends and family knew that I had ongoing issues around food, but nobody knew what was really happening behind closed doors.
I have spent 50 years looking for a 'cure'. I have been in and out of therapy. I have been 'treated' at addiction clinics on five different occasions. I have bought every diet book and every self-help book that was ever published. I have been to OA and to AA. I do think that 12-step programmes are the answer for some people, but not for me. I remember attending a World AA Convention in New Orleans in the early 1980s. At that time AA wasn't so established over her, so my AA sponsor thought it would be a good idea if I went over to America and mixed with some 'winners'. I believed her. She meant well. But as I sat listening to 'recovery' stories in a huge auditorium in New Orleans I knew that this wasn't the answer to my bulimia. Ten years later, around 1993, I was frequenting OA meetings. I used to sit in OA rooms, listening to people who tried to convince me that my bulimia was 'just a symptom' of a deeper disease. I was told that it was a 'relapsing' illness and that I wouldn't get better until I had dealt with family issues. I remember writing a food diary every day and submitting it to an OA sponsor at the end of each week. I have also been in and out of Weight Watchers and other slimming clubs over the years. I've spent a fortune - I'm sure I could buy Weight Watchers if I had all that money back. As recently as last year, I discovered Dr Fuhrman's website. I subscribed to its membership and bought all the books he had written. Good books, but not for this bulimic! More money spent! Why? Because I wanted to 'recover.
It is the morning of Friday 29 March 2013. I am feeling a little better since my last binge and purge. I go into my study and open up my computer. I log on to Slim and Save website. It is a company that sells VLCD meal replacement packages. I am about to start another restrictive. I've done this so many times over the years. Why? Because I want to be 'thin'. I order a months supply - four pkts per day. I click to confirm my order and bang goes another £145. It will arrive within 48 hours. I know the procedure so well. But this time I will stick to it. This time it will be different. Before I leave my desk i vaguely browse through some slimming forums on the computer. Something catches my eye about a book called Brain over Binge.
One hour later, I'm sitting in my living room drinking a cup of coffee. I reach for my smart phone and go to the Amazon website. The book in question has excellent reviews. I'm pleased it's on Kindle. I download the book and start reading. I cannot put it down. I'm reading about myself. I finish the book. It's all over. I'm finally free. Everything makes sense. After 50 years of bulimia, it's finally over. I would never purge again. Why? Because I would never binge eat again. I finally understood the cycle of torment. I'm 72 years old and I'm free! It was as simple and as miraculous as that.
I go into the bathroom and open the cabinets. I remove my huge assortment of diuretics and laxatives. I will never need them again. It's all over - after 50 years it's finally over. I go into the kitchen and unlock my food cupboards. Yes, it had reached a point where I locked the food cupboards and put the key in an inaccessible place, just in case I was 'tempted' while I was on my meal replacement diet. I go back to the Slim and Save website to cancel my order. I contact Weight Watchers and all the other numerous clubs and I ask for my name to be removed from all their databases. I email my therapist to cancel my next appointment. I will call her after the weekend to tell her that I won't be continuing the therapy sessions. I feel an inner peace. I see my life for what it is - life problems, family issues, health issues, and financial issues. But, guess what - the world is full of people with different problems and issues. Here I am, 72 years old, free at last. This is some miracle. I feel blessed.
And now today. It's Friday 10 May 2013. What's happened since my last purge on Thursday 28 March 2013? Well, I have since discovered that the Thursday in question was in fact Maundy Thursday. I looked up the meaning of Maundy Thursday - it is a commemoration of Christ's Last Supper. Is there some significance? I'll say no more! I felt very tired the first few days after reading Kathryn's book - a physical and mental tiredness, but not unpleasant. It was as if I had been walking for years, not knowing a destination and now I was finally able to rest. I now enjoy my food. It no longer terrifies me. I eat a nutritious diet because I don't want to pour processed food with all its chemicals into my body. I don't need a meal planner or some well-meaning dietician to teach me what to eat. I know what I want to eat. I could write a book about the calorific values and nutritional values of all the foods I'll ever need. Nowadays, I'm not afraid of social occasions because I will never purge or binge eat again. I can eat a slice of birthday cake without fear or panic. Do I get urges to binge eat? Yes, I do - sometimes several times in the course of a day. I never try to confront or fight the urges. I just acknowledge that it's there - it's my lower brain, trying to persuade me that I'm cured and that I could now control a binge. After this acknowledgement I feel a rush of excitement, knowing it's not me - I can disunite and detach. It's a miracle. It's truly awesome.
I have no regrets about the past, the 'wasted' years. Over 50 years I met a lot of good people who tried to help me because they cared about me. They wanted me to get well and I wanted to get well - I just couldn't stop the cycle. But that's all over now and I have a life to live. I have a good life with caring friend and family. I have a life full of various interest - a life worth living. I think it was Albert Camus that wrote: In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.
I carry my smartphone with me all the time. I look at the colourful apps and my eye catches the Kindle app. I feel a kind of bond with it, as if it was my stepping stone to freedom. I refer to Kathryn's book most days. I often think, in a bemused way, about all the money I spent over 50 years - thousands of £pounds looking for the answer. And in the end it was all so simple - all it took was a click of a button to buy a book that cost me less than £6 - a book that was written by a young woman who wasn't even born when I first started my binge eating and purging. I am profoundly grateful to Kathryn.