Understanding My Faulty Brain Wiring

[Niki]

As described in Brain Over Binge, the new found concept of how faulty brain wiring may provoke urges to binge makes so much logical sense. My "animal brain" was simply acting out to ensure its survival because of my intentional food deprivation and purging routine threatened its safety. Through my bulimia, I taught my brain to react in a certain way to certain stimulus and it was doing as displayed by my previously repeated behaviors.
What I find really astonishing about this perspective though is that while I was in the depth of bulimia and experiencing the most compelling urges to binge, I felt as if there were an infected part of my brain. I thought the only way I could cure my bulimia was if I removed the defective part influencing my urges. Subconsciously I believe I knew all along every binge provoking message I received from that part of the brain was not what another part of me really wanted. It felt so comforting knowing that I did not have to remove sections of my brain to recover, but instead rewire my brain to discontinue binge eating and fall into a healthier eating routine. ;D
Did anyone else feel this way as well?

[mandymell]

Hi Niki, yes what a revelation to finally understand. Reading the book has helped me hugely to realise that I can take control of this. I can be strong and overcome this. That I actually will never binge again. The relief I feel just by saying those few words is amazing. I honestly thought I was caught in a downwards spiral. Now I know I can come upwards. I will nourish my body with healthy food and I will not binge and lose control ever again. My new found power feels good. It is refreshing and exciting to know I will never spiral downwards again. It used to be so horrible. I hated it as I honestly thought that was how my life would be. Now I have control over it and it is liberating. It just takes some practice to rewire that brain. But it can be done if you don't listen to the old urges.
Mandy (UK)

[jenninavindo]

Hi girls! I am now reading Kathryn's book for the second time but I still can't manage to feel the urge without engaging myself in binge eating.
Today I asked myself: when does the urge arise exactly? And I found it in the book: the urge starts with the very first thought about food. Food thoughts can be triggered, for me, in any sort of situation. Hunger, fullness, when there is food around, when there is not...
The most difficult trigger for me is when the urge happens to arise in the middle of a meal, e.g. during parties with lots of food available. How can I simply detach myself from thinking about food when I am already eating?
I know and feel the moment in which eventually a normal meal is turned into an overeating/binge meal... I feel my hands shaking and my heart beating faster, as I know something bad is going to happen. In that precise moment, I am totally caught in the disease, I freak out, still trying to act and look normal but I feel like in a cage, obliged to eat - the damage is already done, let's give in and overeat! I feel relief and fear at the same time, and I start thinking how to free myself from the all calories I am going to inhale - "It's gonna be ok, just a couple of days of rigid diet and you'll be as good as new! Now, just eat, smoke, drink and reach dumbness."
I realized today that there are different urge levels. For example if the urge is not strong my approach to food is different. I never paid attention to it. I always thought that the urge would make me eating anyway, but at times I am actually not in a good mood for stuffing myself.
Last week, for example, I had binged on sunday and slightly overeat on monday (with sunday's leftovers, of course). I went back home on monday night thinking about the pizza that was in the fridge from the day before. To be honest I had spent the entire afternoon fighting with the voice, questioning myself and trying to find a reasonable motivation and convince myself that eating pizza was not worth. Didn't work.
Of course the first thought that popped in my mind was "I can have a slice of pizza for dinner, besides today at lunch I almost starved ". I perfectly know that I would have overeat event if I'd eat a normal meal for lunch.
As soon as I went home I grabbed cold pizza from the fridge, put it into my mouth, chewed, swallowed. Mmmm, that was not enough. My stomach began to widen. I told myself I can have some more pizza and eat some salad too. But this time I already know I was fooling myself, my animal brain was fooling me. I wanted to binge eat. I almost eat all the leftovers and of course I would have eat one kilo of ice cream and purged afterall if I didn't have my boyfriend with me (lucky me!!!). When I went to bed I felt discomfort and shame and I was not satisfied at all. I didn't ever savour the meal cause my animal brain couldn't wait to warm up the food.
On tuesday night I went home and put some food on the table. Healthy low-cal food. My bf grabbed some cheese and few potato chips. As I saw the food on the table a voice told me : "Look, potato chips! now you have to eat them all. And then you can have more because you already broke your promise. There are biscuits in the pantry and you can have them as dessert. You can always tell your bf you need to take a shower and purge afterall. " The voice told me exactly that. But I was really not in the mood for eating and I just tasted one or two chips beside my meal. I still felt bloated from the previous days.
Now I fully realize that this is the voice of my animal brain, and that this voice can be more persuasive in certain situations. That time I have been capable of managing the voice because it sounded weaker to me and I was not in good shape for bingeing. I knew I would not have savoured the food and it would have been eventually painful. But it's not always like that, unfortunately... I can't argue with the voice in those situations; normally she is capable to fool me after a few seconds if she happens to come while I am already eating. I have to understand the right moment in which I have to detach myself, watching the voice without acting on it... I am keeping to try... Any advice would be really appreciated!
Thank you all, and thanks Kathryn.. this forum offers me the possibility to analyze my behaviour in a deeper way, and gives me hope that one day I could forget about my eating disease.
Have a nice day!