lying to myself

[rags]

I am sixteen and have been binging for two years. My latest plan has been to classify any craving for food when I am not hungry an urge to binge EXCEPT that I allow myself one "non-hungry" snack every two days, and when i have a snack i must decide exactly what i am going to have and how much of it before i start eating. I remind myself that if I get an urge it's a habit, that it's not actually me that wants to eat, and not to argue with the urge but just let it be the background noise in your head. After a big binge I get really motivated and am able to not binge for a decent amount of time (1ish week), but after a while I become more confident that I am not going to binge and am less cautious.
Yesterday I found myself suddenly in the pantry. The only thought that went through my head was "Am I hungry? Yes this counts as hungry" and so i got up to get a snack (and didn't stop after the large snack). Looking back on that moment now i realize that I wasn't even actually hungry. I lie to myself, or my lower brain makes an excuse so that my higher brain will let it eat. At some level i think i know i am not hungry, but i go about the thought process so fast that as soon as i decide i am hungry, I am already in the pantry. I also experience the lower brain lying to myself about whether I am going to binge, for instance if I just got home and am hungry and just want something to eat then i tell myself that I am just having a snack (while eating a sandwich) even though deep down i think i know that it will lead to a binge. My lower brain won't let my higher brain admit it though. The longer i go without binging the more sudden the decisions to binge are. Does anyone else have any advice to prevent that?
Im sorry this is so long but one last thing: Does anyone have any tricks they've used to believe that it's truly not me that wants to binge but just a habit? I tell myself that when i have an urge but the feeling that food would make everything better just doesn't go away, i can't convince myself that it is not truly me that wants food. I am worried it's because my lower brain has become so good at convincing my upper brain to believe it's messages that it has actually learnt to lie, is that crazy? These neural pathways have formed especially effectively since being a teenager, my brain is in it's prime stage for the forming of new neural pathways.
Anyone that has any advice at all please share!!! I would be ecstatic to hear any suggestions at all!

[vendy]

Hi,
I can relate to your post in so many ways...
1. I can also not binge or even overeat for a while after a binge. I realized recently that this was a great argument for my lower brain: I felt like I NEEDED to binge to be 'good" because the less I binge, the less happy I am with my day-to-day eating - I tend to eat too much. Just realizing that it is may brain's trick has hepled a bit.

2. Lying to myself...just like you, I often think that I am hungry so it's ok, or that I am just having a little bit more etc... I have developed a way of dealing with this (but I don't always manage to remember!) - I treat myself (my lower brain) as a naughty child. I have a toddler at home so it isn't hard to imagine. I think - what would I tell a little child if s/he wanted an extra portion if I can see they have eaten enough? I try to be kind but at the same time I don't want the child to have a bellyache afterwards so I sometimes compromise and allow myself a bit but not too much. Another strategy is that I tell myself: 'What would a person with healthy eating habits do in this situation?' Then I try to rationally decide and tell myself that that is who I want to be and try to act on it.

3. Like you, I have been bingeing for ages BUT I am 32!!! I can't even remember my first binge, I must have been younger than 12. I know I used to eat all the food my mum didn't want me to have when she used to go out. I think that it is a lot harder for people like me who have never actually eaten 'normally'. I don't think that it is possible for me to quit at once like Kathryn because I have to slowly learn how to eat and my brain has endless number of ways to confuse me.

One final point - this is the main thing for me- I always have to eat MINDFULLY, if I don't, I almost always overeat or even binge. So I try to sit down, eat slowly and concentrate on the food and nothing else. If I eat standing up, by the PC etc...I don't really concentrate on it and my lower brain takes over.

Hope at least some of this will help!

[bingefreebabe]

Rags, just wanted to say congratulations on realizing the lies you tell yourself. I am old enough to be your grandma, lol, and though I am an intelligent woman (if I don't say so myself!) I have fooled myself and lied to myself practically my entire life when it comes to my bingeing, which started when I was 13. I was so positive that I was spiting my father (who had issues with my weight when I was going through puberty-I wasn't even overweight back then) with my binge eating, but only lately I realize that it was an expression of self hatred rather than spite and that is why it lasted all these years. It is sad to realize how many decades I've been in the dark about that.
I have a quiet confidence that we can take control back and rid ourselves of these binging issues. Wishing you the best.

[rags]

Both your responses meant so much to me! Just to have a response was touching haha.
Sue, your post about spiting your father reminded me exactly of times when my mom has made me so mad that i went and binged because i knew she doesn't want me to. Not the smartest reason i know...
Vendy, your first post is interesting. I tend to be quite happy with my eating on when I am not binging. I find that if I am unhappy with my daily eating then it is very helpfult to commit to deciding exactly what and how much I will eat before starting. Although it can be very difficult to stick to because it often seems unnecessary, it is a way to make a clear distinction between what should be considered an urge and what shouldn't. I think that that system is effective for me because it doesn't allow me to lie to myself since i don't have to determine whether i am still hungry or not.

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