What happened?!

[Emi]

so after i read the book i felt so liberated and free, like i discovered something and nothing could knock me off my track again. But one night i was still hungry after dinner, and i decided to eat another sandwich, then that sandwich turned my "lower brain" on to scavenge and eat or try to turn off all cognitive thought to shove as much food into my mouth before i could rationalize my actions. This was so scary, because the extra sandwich was fine, but then all of the sudden a switch went off on my brain and its been like four days of not being able to turn it off again. I have control for like a week and a half but now its just crazy. I dont know how to gain control over my life again. I am going away to college next year, and i dont think i will be able to handle college if i carry this horrible habit along with me.

[oolala53]

You did not recognize the AV when you were still "hungry" after dinner. It's very important to eat real, full meals, so that it's easier to see when this happens that it is just the AV. There's little likelihood that you actually needed more food. Your body is made to either use the food its given or eventually go through steps to pull out reserves. While it's going through those steps, the AV can make you feel that you need more food from the outside. You've been believing it. Forgive yourself for the past, and resolve to give your body a chance to do its work. 

I don't mean to accuse, but are you waiting for it to be easy? I know Kathryn can give the impression that it is just simple matter to ignore the AV, but it isn't necessarily true. There can often be accompanying sensations of anxiety or jitteriness that feel uncomfortable. You have a habit of spending your time eating and recovering, and you have to learn to do other things, the common pursuits of life. But those sensations can't hurt you, and they are not as uncomfortable as a tooth ache or headache. Be willing to tolerate those feelings for a time.

I humbly suggest that you get more deliberate about planning to have other things to do after you decide to ignore the urge, varying in the amount of focus you need to do them. You might not be able to wait until you are in a mood to do them. The AV will say ANYTHING to get you to eat, even that it's not worth it to do anything else, or it's too hard, or whatever. It's just junk! But if you have to do rather superficial things, accept it and do them. That's still better than eating. 

I also suggest that you not let yourself get so panicked about this because that dramatic reaction is actually part of the cycle, if it hasn't led to less bingeing in the past. It actually makes it more likely that you will binge again. It's possible to make a rational, calm assessment and realize that it's too unpleasant to keep this up and there is much to be gained by going through the process. 

Let the fact that you want to get this handled now so that you can live a more free life at college grow in importance in your mind (You will appreciate this sanity when you get around other young women. You will hear their AV's so often! But just smile and do your thing: not eating UNLESS it's time to eat!) Don't try to convert them unless they've been around you for a long period of time. You don't need their lack of faith.  When urges/thoughts come, remind yourself that THIS is the moment you have to make the choice to say NO so that you can be free.

It may sound hard, but from the other side I can tell you that living with compulsive eating is even harder.

Don't give up! Obviously, it's too late to have no slips, but it's not necessary in order to get over this. Ideal, but not necessary. But it's ALWAYS worth it to do whatever it takes to ignore the AV, and accept that MOST desires to eat randomly are the AV. You will live a rich, full life without those bites!