One day at a time

[sarah]

I have read the blogs by Kathryn many times, and always seem to go about a week without binging and then fall short!
I find it hard to understand and disassociate myself with the feelings that 'I' want to binge. It feels so much like me!! If I drive myself to the shop; if I buy the food; if I eat the food how can it not be 'me'?!
Of course in the morning in the midst of the guilt, shame and self loathing I know I have once again been tricked and the morning after is the real me!
I work shifts and late nights when I finish work have always been my trigger binge times. This has flowed over into nightly binge eating, whether after work, after dinner, after a night with friends! I have even started to binge at work during night shifts! I have put on two stone in a year, it is time to really take hold and be in charge of my life again and gain the freedom i really crave!
That's why I have joined the forum for some accountability!
Last night came a success- I had missed breakfast due to sleeping in from a late shift, had a small lunch and mere vegetables for dinner. As I drove home I had the strongest overwhelming urge to drive to the 24hour store, buy my favourite binge chocolate and ice cream and 'eat just a few mouthfuls in bed when I get home'.
So it began!
The half an hour drive was torture!
I rationalised the binge...'you haven't eaten much today' 'you are on annual leave now-celebrate' 'tomorrow you can start again' 'you will only eat a bit of it' 'other people have treats at night' 'it's your birthday tomorrow-start after your birthday' IT WAS HELL!!
I reminded myself that my higher self was driving the car, my higher self was changing the gears and steering the wheel, my higher self is steering me!
I didn't go to the store!!
I got home, and yes I ate! I didn't make the best choice- and probably ate more than was strictly necessary.
Afterwards I walked downstairs to put my plate away. I opened the cupboards again, I hunted for any of my moms secret snacks. I didn't find anything. I considered opening a tin of dessert food....I shook my head and walked up the stairs and brushed my teeth and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning and was so unbelievably grateful that I hadn't been to the shop for binge food!!
Sure, I had eaten! Sure, it wasn't the best choice! Sure, I probably didn't need all those calories at 2am!
But a small victory, a small change, a small step forward is so much better than massive step backwards!
I think anyone who understands the pain and roller coaster of emotions that is binge eating needs to remind themselves that every positive action helps, be kind to yourself!
When I feel negative and out of faith with myself I try to talk to myself as I would do a friend! If we spoke to our friends how we speak to ourselves how many friends would we have?!
It is my birthday tomorrow and a tough week of socialising and meals out, coupled with a back injury so no running! A tough week to start moving forward and leave binging behind. If I can get through this week the rest should seem simple!
Wish me luck, and I wish everyone happiness and health on their own journeys!

[kat4]

Awesome job pushing through this tough night that you described, and realizing that it was a victory and that every victory - even if it seems small - is important!! Hope you were able to enjoy your birthday and birthday events:-)

When I start having negative thoughts and self-criticism/doubt, I also try and think what a friend would say to me (or what I would say to a friend in my position). I don't succeed at making this happen all the time (or even most of the time), but when I do it really helps.

Thanks for sharing your struggle and your success. It helps to hear that others have similar struggles and how they deal with them. It's also great to hear your positive outlook!