Where do I fit?

[aprilmay1895]

So I've been pacing among several books to help me heal my eating issues. Kathryn's book that brought us all here, Skinny Thinking by Laura Katleman-Prue and How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too by Josie Spinardi. They are all amazingly helpful books but I just don't know what direction to choose anymore! I have like 40 pounds I want to lose but it's a very delicate situation now. Last year I lost 55lbs! In 6 months! And then my behavior U-turned into binge eating and I gained 30 back in a short amount of time.
So, my brain is a little on edge still because of that. I know I can't really lose weight unless I count calories but if I apply a restriction on top of counting calories, then my mind freaks out and I go straight to a binge. Should I even be tracking calories at all? What about working out? Can I still do these 600 cal workouts 6 times a week to make the weight budge faster, or is that going to hurt me sooner or later too? I'm so awfully anal and obsessed with weight and food and gah! I don't really have a binge eating disorder or any eating disorder, I just am not a "normal eater". Food is my drug of choice! And what makes it more complicated is that my drug of choice used to be alcohol and the way I stopped drinking is the way Kathryn stopped binge eating...through Jack Trimpey's book on AVRT. But I don't understand how to apply it to food! Bingeing really isn't my core problem unless I'm dieting. My core problem is non-hungered eating...food is just like a lover and a soother to me...I don't know how to use AVRT to create a pragmatic relationship with food. Is it my addictive voice telling me to eat a scoop of ice cream after dinner because I like to end a meal with something sweet? Or is that ME being rational and opting for a small portion of a good treat? Where do you draw the line between addictive behavior and non-addictive behavior when it comes to food? With alcohol it was easy, don't drink alcohol...you either do or you don't....it was very black and white.

Anyway, I'm sorry what was so long and scatter brained...I'm just driving myself nuts these days trying to figure out how to fix things. I don't want to be overweight my whole life.

[robmar]

Hi April,

You sound exactly like me. I only binge eat when I diet. I really want to lose about 12-15 pounds but all the diet thinking has never gotten me anywhere, except to stay overweight and in an awfull state in my head. I've come to the conclusion that the only thing for me now is to let go of all diet thoughts and apply the BOB approach and hope my weight will settle to a good spot. I just can't continue the mental turmoil. Yesterday a friend sent me a photo of myself taken a couple of weeks ago and I realised that what I have been doing clearly hasn't been working and the bad affect it's had on me.

My advice is to ditch the dieting. Good luck!!

[aprilmay1895]

Thanks robmar! I needed to be reminded of that! Awhile ago I was doing well with intuitive eating until one night my boyfriend was eating candy bars after dinner and I wasn't hungry but I ate it anyway. It launched my perfectionism and I deemed I was "off" of intuitive eating and I then began eating whenever the h*** I felt like it again. After doing this for awhile, I stepped on the scale again to be informed I gained EIGHT pounds! WAH! I was horrified! It had only been 2-3 weeks and I gained EIGHT pounds! And about that same time I started getting into the book Skinny Thinking by Laura Katleman-Prue, and although it contains VERY wise advice, she also recommended calorie counting, restriction and exercise and even went on to state that we have to count calories because our body is not smart enough to tell us when we've had too many calories (like in junk food). So combining her case along with my panic at my extra eight freaking pounds, I decided to start calorie counting, doing long workouts and getting all wound up about pounds again. SO, I just need to put myself back on the intuitive eating track. I guess I just need to keep telling myself that my dieting bone is broken. lol I have friends that can diet sanely and slowly but that's not me, I'm so neurotic that I always go too far and then things snap back against me. I know it is possible to lose weight with intuitive eating, but it's going to take time....and I mean like at least a year to get a good chunk of fat gone...maybe 2 to get where I want to. And that's totally against my mentality. My mentality is work as hard as you can to get results FASTER. So it's very difficult for me to think about waiting another 1-2 years to slim down. Also I was reading some info on intuitive eating and how it effects weight, they finally did some peer review studies and they found that intuitive eaters had better self esteem and confidence and weren't obsessed about reaching society's ideal of thinness and they also had lower BMI's. So I think my obsession with getting SKINNY and FAST is probably more a reflection of what society values rather than what I value or what other people close to me value. However, I was raised with a weight obsessed family. If you're smart, great...but if you're skinny and attractive, then you are just the most amazing thing out there. lol It's stupid and I wish I cared less what people think sometimes.

Thanks for listening...or reading!

April

[Lynn]

Have you read Ditching Diets by Gillian Riley? I can't say enough good things about that book- some of the same principles of BOB in a short, practical book.

In can TOTALLY relate to what you are saying- 9 times out of 10 any compulsive eating that I do is preceded by restriction. I've come to the conclusion that I can never restrict my eating, lose weight, and expect to keep it off. The key for me has been to eat a decent amount of food that my body needs to fuel my high intensity exercise (I'm an avid cyclist), eat at planned times, and stop when I'm satisfied. I tend towards eating very "clean" which is a double edge sword for me. My body feels good eating that way, but my mind craves "junk food." So, I find that I have to include a little junk here and there. Without guilt. If I allow myself to do that, my addictive brain calms down.

I honestly think that those of us that have struggled with alcohol have a little tougher time tuning in to the addictive brain when it comes to food. It's not so black and white as it is with alcohol. With food, if my brain is telling me "more, more!" and I know I'm not going to be happy with myself if I eat it, then it is my addictive brain speaking. But, with your example, if I want a scoop of ice cream after dinner and I know that I'm not going to feel bad physically or emotionally, then I have it and ENJOY it.

I can also relate to your desire to lose weight NOW. I'm not overweight anymore (6 years ago I was over 300lbs), but I was carrying around an extra 10lbs after dieting it off last year. Those 10 lbs came off super easy when I stopped obsessing about calories, stayed off the scale, and just fed my body well. The other thing that has helped is realizing that it is not an emergency if I get hungry. I used to carry food with me as I was always afraid that if I got too hungry I would eat everything in sight. But, in reality, I am much better at discerning that "stopping point" when I am good and hungry. And allowing myself to feel hunger for an hour or so before I eat creates a little calorie deficit that drops weight in the long run.

Best wishes to you!

[elle]

Wow Lynn, congrats on losing the weight!

I've been binge free for a weeks now, and while I'm thrilled about that, I've also been indulging in the foods that I never used to allow myself (which is basically anything with a carbohydrate in it :S ). I'm really happy that I can eat those foods without bingeing, but I'm also not really losing weight.

But, I'm committed to NOT falling back into the restrict/binge cycle, and I'm hoping that listening to my body more and making sure I feel actual hunger will get easier. So glad to hear it worked for you!

quellingtheurge.com/

[robmar]

Hi Lynn,

Thanks for checking in and letting us know that you're doing well, as I know myself, that positive feedback from others to the effectiveness of BOB, is so important. Well done to you!!

I am currently reading Ditching Diets and I recently read Gillian Riley's other book Eating Less and I love them both. I like some of Gillian's techniques and have found them to be helpful along with BOB.

At the moment I'm just trying to not worry too much about my weight and I'm allowing myself to eat what I like. My diet is generally pretty healthy, but I do allow myself some treats at times. I'm finding by doing this that my urges have really settled right down. When I have an urgency to lose weight and become restrictive my binge urges are awful. I'm trying to implement what Ditching Diets suggests and have some other motivations for eating less and not binging. My main motivation is the mental freedom that I feel from not being so caught up with the need to lose weight.

Elle, it sounds like you're doing well and you're eating will settle down in time. Stay committed to not restricting/binging. Best wishes!!

[aprilmay1895]

Hi everyone! Thank you for responding!

Ironically, I have the Ditching Diets by Gillian Riley, but I just haven't read it yet. lol After getting into Skinny Thinking, I got a little leery and wanted to avoided taking the wrong direction again. But taking the wrong direction was good because I realize I really can't go back to dieting...I really have to find another way.

I don't have full on binges as much as I just use food...like literally, I USE food like a drug sometimes. And I sometimes wonder if the solution for that behavior is to detach from it, like Kathryn does from her binge eating cues.

This weekend I wasn't home alone for once and was having a good time but that feeling still showed up. I thought it was always triggered by loneliness or boredom or depression...but everything was fine, there was no trigger....it was just THERE. I don't know if you guys experience this, but it wasn't a physical craving for something flavorfully intense, but a mental plea for a specific high flavor, high sugar, high fat junkfood. It was so strong that I wanted to kick my boyfriend out of the house or leave the house with some excuse so i could go procure this food. What is this feeling? It's almost like the addictive behavior I remember from drinking. It's not just a thought or notion going through your brain, it's like a wave of obsession and possession. Like you've been entered into mental/emotional discomfort for no good reason and the only way to fix it, is to go get that one food that's in your head until you feel better. It's like part of your brain is creating discomfort to motivate you to seek out what it wants. It's very much the addictive voice concept. I guess I need to realize that although my bingeing has settled down over time, there's still a very strong addiction going on with food in quantities that aren't necessarily massive...just enough to sustain being 30 pounds overweight. So for a body that would require 1700 calls to maintain a healthy weight, I'm probably giving it 2000-2500 most days.

I don't know, still reading and still learning.

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